Life after shooting a film

I've been home for 2 weeks now and I think I've officially lost my game face. The intensity and focus necessary to DP a film has left my body or is just simply dormant. The life and identity that I carved out for myself in Michigan is vapor and I'm slowly weaving myself into the fabric of family and friends. The scenes that we shot are no longer catalogued in my brain, sometimes images from setups come and visit and then leave just as quickly as they appeared. I've had empty moments but not any real depression to speak of. There's a saying that one's commitment to a task should burn like a fire and no traces of ones self should be left behind. That idea sums up my time on the film, I gave EVERYTHING that was within my reach. I do have this fear that everyone will realize that I did a bad job and they'll call me soon and blow the whistle and reveal that I am a charlatan. I know that's not true but insecurity is never grounded in truth.

I liken the whole experience of shooting a film to putting on a Super Hero costume. As a DP, you are blessed with super powers because you have the power to light the darkness and make the invisible, visible. In that process there are conflicts, celebrations, stress, and epiphanies. You don't hold onto grudges or wallow in unfair things that may have been said, you're teflon, impervious to the trappings of normal life. At the end of everyday, if you've done good work then you're a hero and for that day you have attained perfection by capturing magic and beauty.

At some point, the costume, or shield of armour must come off and then you have to find your old life. You can bring your new lessons with you and you may have an extra twinkle in your eye but make no mistake, the costume or shield does NOT belong in your family life. Or at least I play it that way, it seems to work. "What fools these mortals be" it's time for me to embrace the gravity of my limitations and learn to hold a grudge again, my grip has gotten weak.

Lastly, for now, or until next time. Diamonds are created because of pressure and time and I think films are the same. The collective pressures that a crew endure and the multiplied man hours combined with the raw material (script) create a gem (sometimes) and you hope that the beauty will be appreciated by others. In my heart I believe that we captured beauty and that our film will be appreciated, I just wish instant gratification was more instantaneous. In a year we'll know how well we did.

In the meantime - commercials. Can anyone say Vitacrave?

The next film is coming soon. Does anyone like David Sedaris?